我是平平

五月了！時間果然是在用飛的，你如何想要他停留都不會有回應。

It’s May! Time does fly, and it will not stop for anyone.

如果說三月是低潮，四月對我來說簡直是一團混亂。進入五月，我是不是可以再一次告訴自己，這個月會不一樣，會開心的。 想著三月一號的時候我在fb上面說三月是很特別的一個月，是我最喜歡的月份，所以大家都要跟我一起開心。

If March was the lowest point of my life, April would be a total mess and disaster. Now that it’s May, I hope to tell myself that this would be a different month, that it would be a happy one. I remember my facebook status on March 1st. I said March is a very special month, and a month that I love the most, so everyone should celebrate with me.

不出三天，因為自己的不小心，膝蓋韌帶受傷了，不良於行，然後消極的在家休息了將近三個多禮拜。渾渾噩噩的想回台灣，想要跟父母撒嬌，還理直氣壯的說了好多好多。

Within 3 days, because of my own careless fault, I tore my knee ligament. I basically sat in a chair for almost 4 weeks, I was depressed and eagerly wanted to go back home to Taiwan. Regardless of the fact that there was only a month and a half left of school. I only wanted the easy way out.

然後是我生日。

And then was my birthday.

Fb 上的祝福不斷，可是還沒辦法逃脫自己的自怨自嘆。27號早上打開電腦第一個跑出來的祝福是爸爸寄來的inbox：「生日快樂，今年的生日只能待在原地，明 年就可以到處去了。加油！」因為爸爸希望我堅持下去，剩一個多月，很快就可以把學業念完的，他承諾說，我把書念完，明年讓我出國玩，去哪裡都可以。

A lot of birthday wishes I received on facebook, and the very first one I saw on the morning of the 27th, was from my dad through facebook inbox. He said: “Happy birthday, though you can only stay at the same place this year, you can go anywhere next year, cheer up.” He said so because he wanted for me to stay and finish my studies, and he promised that next year, I could go travel wherever I wanted to, as long as I stay strong and graduate this May.

我只回了爸爸一個「摁」。

I only replied “okay.”

因 為我還是想走那條容易的路，我內心的一個小角落還是有些失望的。28號早上，還在半睡半醒間，媽媽的電話來了。我以為是要跟我交代她跟爸爸29號來看我的 事情，但是，語氣不對。瞬間清醒，然後眼淚已經掉下來了。無法制止的抽泣聲讓轟媽打開拉門問我怎麼了，可是當下還在跟媽媽通電話的我還無法回應轟媽。掛了 電話心裡其實不亂，是空白，因為除了相信事情沒有那麼嚴重，我不知道我還能怎麼樣。

Apparently I sill hoped that there was a chance that he would let me go home, and I could walk the easy way, be spoiled as I usually am. Then, on the morning of the 28th, mom called while I was still half asleep. I thought she was only calling to confirm the details of them coming to Japan to see me on the 29th, but something in her voice told me it was something else. My mind cleared up, and before I noticed it, tears were already falling. I couldn't stop sobbing and my host mom came in and asked what was wrong. I was still talking to my mom, I was still in shock, I couldn’t answer her. After I hung up, my mind wasn’t a mess, it was plain still, because other then convincing myself that everything would be okay, I didn't know what else there was for me to think.

所有的一切就是在那一天突然亂了 套。不能馬上去做飛機，只好再撐到29號去了醫院做完腳的復診，然後簡單的復健之後才馬上搭了下午的飛機回台灣。在飛機上我不斷想著要跟爸爸說什麼，下了 飛機之後打給媽媽，聽到的卻是「要有心理準備」本來已經擦乾的眼淚卻又再度填滿眼眶，準備好的台詞全都派不上用場了。第一次覺得桃園其實真的離台北好遠。 到了醫院，看到好多不認識的臉孔，然後我看到媽媽。

Everything went out of hand from that day on. I had to wait till a revisit at the doctors on the 29th about my knee, and then could I take a flight back home to Taiwan. Things I wanted to tell my dad ran through my mind through the whole flight. When I called mom after arrival, she told me that I should be prepared. Tears that I dried after landing soon burst out again, everything that I was ready to tell my dad faded out of my mind. First time in my life I realized the distance from Taoyuan to Taipei. Finally arrived at the hospital, there were a lot of faces that I didn’t recognize, and then I saw my mom.

不要哭，不能哭。但看到爸爸的那一瞬間，想要清楚的把話講完突然變得好難好難。因為要講出口的話是 那樣沈重，自己是那樣的不願意說出那些該說得話。後來跟媽媽有一搭沒一搭的跟爸爸講話，開始閒扯，才有一點不那麼想哭，就像平常一樣跟爸爸沒大沒小。全世 界就我可以跟爸爸這樣然後他還會笑的很開心。

Don’t cry, and I won't cry. Though people told me, and how many times I’ve told myself, it became so hard to even finish a sentence without a trembling voice when I saw my dad in the ICU.  Things that I said were so heavy, and the fact that they were not at all what I wanted to say. Until I started to talk to my dad with my mom just like how we used to then I became less emotional. It has always been like that, I was the only one in the world who could just say whatever to my dad, and he’d still be laughing, smiling so hard. Not even my mom.

出了加護病房沒多久，哥哥來了。哥哥說，看到我不知為什麼心情就變的很好。其實我很開心，因為如 果家裡三個人都抑鬱那不就太糟糕了嗎？原來我的功用還是在。在醫院的日子其實不苦也不累。有好多人來來去去，也有很多人始終陪伴。其實事情總是有兩面，雖 然發生爸爸的事情，卻讓很多原本不那麼相干的人們都聚在一起為了同一個目標堅持著。也讓我看到很多事情，好或不好真的是自己去決定的。

Not long after I came out of the ICU room I saw my brother too. He said to me: “Somehow I become really cheerful just seeing you here.” I was really touched. If the three of us were all very emotional, it would be a terrible situation for all of us, the people around us, and even for my dad. I was happy that I still made a difference, and made people smile. Staying nights at the hospital wasn’t that hard or tiring. A lot of people came and left, a lot of people stayed the whole way. There are always two sides to one thing, through my dad’s accident, people who weren’t that close have been linked together or gotten closer. Everyone who cares, cares for the same reason, and are all hoping for the best outcome. Through this incident, I was able to see and learn many things— the good and bad in things are all up to us to decide.

剛好一個禮拜。

4月2號的晚上是我回台灣之後第一次沒有留在醫院睡覺，那天晚上很好睡。隔天早上哥哥打電話來問我們什麼時候會到醫院，我說等一下吃完早餐就走。哥哥說他早上進去看爸爸，爸爸的臉色似乎是做著宣告，說他已經做好決定了。

It was exactly a week after the accident.

The night of April 2nd was the first time after I went back to Taiwan there I did not stay the night at the hospital. I slept sight and sound that night. Got a phone call from my brother asking when I’d arrive at the hospital the next morning. I said soon after I have breakfast, and then he continued saying that he had went into the ICU to check on dad, and he thinks that dad has made his decision.

到醫院的時候過沒多久是第一次的會 客時間，在那之前醫生通知我們說，應該就是這12個小時了。像是之前的一個禮拜是爸爸讓我們做好的準備期，我想，啊，12個小時啊。沒有太大的情緒反應。 會客時間結束的時候，醫生讓我跟媽媽還有哥哥在一起，問說，家人要不要再進去陪爸爸說說話。

It was visiting hours soon after I arrived at the hospital, and not long before that the doctor had informed our family that we should be prepared within the next 12 hours. I guess it had already been a week for us to be prepared for this day to come. So when I heard the doctor’s announcement, it didn't hit me as hard as I thought. When visiting hours was over, the doctor called for mom, William, and me. He asked if we would like to go in and talk to my dad more.

原來還是只有我一個人好傻好天真。進去之後，聽著媽媽還有哥哥跟 爸爸說的話，我才知道，什麼12個小時？就是現在了。好像變笨一樣，喉嚨梗住，腦筋一片空白，只能重複說著要他放心，要他不要擔心，要他不要怕。其他的話 都不會講了。螢幕上的數字急速往下降，其實雖然進去過好多次，可是那些英文縮寫和數字代表什麼我一直沒有搞懂，唯一看得懂的是心跳指數。然後就像電影裡面 演的，所有東西都變成0了，那些曲線都變成直線了。爸爸走了。我從來不知道原來我這麼彆扭，原來要認真的說一句「我愛你」這麼難。

Apparently I was naïve as I ever have been. It wasn't until we went inside and hearing the words coming out of my mom and my brother’s mouth that I realized there weren’t any 12 hours left, it was happening right then. It was like losing the ability to think, the only words coming out of my mouth was telling him to be in peace, and don't worry about us, nothing else. The numbers on the screen declined vastly. Even now, I sill don't understand what the abbreviations and numbers except for heart beat means on the monitor. But just like in movies, everything became a zero, all the waves became straight lines. Dad left. Never knew how awkward it could be for me to say I love you seriously.

已經快一個月了。爸爸走了之後。

事情都順利的一件一件渡過，真的很開心。身邊的貴人好多好多，爸爸的厲害與成功讓我們在他走了之後還能繼續受到眷顧。

It’s been almost a month since dad has left.

I am very grateful that everything has worked out somewhat smoothly. We had a lot of generous people and friends who helped. My dad was a great person, so great that even after he left, we were still taken care by him.

其實我還是不知道我的未來在哪裡。其實我還是不知道這個月回台灣自己的下一步該怎麼辦。爸爸不在了，以前想的理所 當然已經不復存在，但是我們不能氣餒，不能倒下，因為人生現在才要開始。爸爸會保佑，會看著。往好的地方想，這樣才好，憑一己之力努力加油，就像爸爸一 樣，也會是爸爸希望看到的吧？

I sill wonder where my future would be; I still don’t know what my next step would be after I go back to Taiwan this month. Dad’s not there anymore, the things taken for granted aren’t there either. But we can’t let down, we can’t fall down, because our lives has just started from now on. Dad will look over us from above. On the bright side, this is actually a good thing. No pain, no gain, we will try our best and work towards our goal just like what dad did. I’m sure this would be what he wanted.

雖然我還是很幼稚，雖然我還是不夠成熟。

Though I could still be childish.

不管別人怎麼說，媽媽和哥哥辛苦了。隨然我可能還是會頂嘴，雖然我可能還是會耍脾氣，隨然這不能當一個藉口，但是我真的很愛很愛你們。未來的路不管要怎樣走，會怎樣走，我都會加油，因為你們在過去的這一個月還有未來的日子裡都是；也會那樣的包容我，疼我。

No matter what others say, mom and William have done their best. Although I might still talk back at times; although I still might have some moments; although this shouldn't be used as an excuse, I love you so so much. However the road ahead is, and however I will walk through it, I will do my best. Because for the pass month and the time to come, I know you all have been there and will be there for me just as usual.

媽媽說：「妹妹，爸爸走了，換哥哥當爸爸。」我懂。哥哥真的很棒。哥哥真的好苦。哥哥不能像我一樣動不動就掉眼淚。哥哥不像我一樣愛耍賴，不像我一樣愛出鋒頭，哥哥其實像爸爸，口說不如行動。雖然晚開，可是這不就是爸爸跟媽媽等著的、相信的嗎？爸爸會開心的。

Mom said: “Ping-ping, daddy’s not here anymore, but it’s okay, William will be daddy now.” I knew what she was trying to say. My brother, William, has been great though filled with sorrow at the same time. He couldn’t cry like how I cried whenever I wanted to. He couldn't have acted childish like I did. He was never like me, who liked to be noticed, and under the spot light…William’s just like dad. Actions speak louder than words. Although he bloomed at a later age, this is what my parents have been waiting for. And what they have believed in. I’m sure dad would be so proud and happy.

要感謝的人太多，但我不感謝天。要感謝的就是那些一直在的人們，這一個月發生的種 種我會記在心裡，希望終有一日我能以能力所及的回報。不管是認真的養活我自己，或是實質上的回饋。人生就這樣不受控制，及時行樂不是要你只顧玩樂不負責 任，而是要你不要計較這麼多。你去到哪裡會遇到什麼樣的人，好的壞的你都該感恩。好的壞的都是貴人，幫你一把；教你一課，讓你知道自己以後該怎麼做，不該 怎麼做，難道不該感謝嗎？

There are too many people to thank, and I wouldn't just include them into one and thank the one above. I would thank all the individuals and keep them in my heart. I wish that one day, I would be able to repay them in any way that counts. Life is filled with surprises. To enjoy and to live the moment isn’t telling you to only have fun and neglect your responsibilities. It is asking you to be more open hearted. Wherever you go, whomever you meet, good or bad, you should be thankful. Whether this person is good or bad, you can always learn from them. The good ones help, the bad ones teach. They show you by action who to become, and who not to become.

爸爸是太厲害，他早就學會這點，看很開。所以他真的貫徹著快樂科技人這個稱謂，很努力很認真很瀟灑好積極很即時的在行樂。我們一起像爸爸看齊吧～。大樹雖然倒了，可是他的根扎的這麼扎實，後人不乘涼，要靠著自己從同一個根基再一次往上攀爬茁壯啦！

Dad was awesome because he already knew that. His heart was opened to anyone who wanted to learn, and who wanted to enjoy. He truly stays with what he had stand for—enjoyment matters. He lived hard, conscientiously, elegantly, and with enthusiasm all the time. Let us all admire him and walk along his way. Although the big tree of our family has fallen down, his roots were tied down to the ground so deeply that we could still use our own strengths and grow along what was left of him.

五月，衝刺！

Hello, May, bring me some good news, please.:)